Moan for me like Helen Keller
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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