Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
