I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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