You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize