We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
