I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
