it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
