I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Everyone says I win the strip club
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
