Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
