threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
two words: eviction party
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.