I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
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I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more