Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually