nut hugger
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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