I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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