Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
