i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
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Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
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Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!