HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian