i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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