He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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