areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
