he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
i've created a new STD.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
