I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm too high and old for this...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
