Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
