You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
