I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
