you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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