What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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