The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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