My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have already put on my inside pants.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
