Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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