He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
