I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
