I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Swine flu is the new snow day.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
