dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
