He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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