About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
