I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
