Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
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Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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