[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
