Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
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