he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
