I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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