I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
