I puked a lego.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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