I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
