smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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