but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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