you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
