You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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