so that wasnt chicken after all
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
