I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Still dying that you shit outside
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
