Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
