If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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