he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
