no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
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That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
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i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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