I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i think i have two assholes
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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