i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
