This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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