He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
